Forsaken, Me?

A blunt ‘tween the teeth
I melt ‘tween the sheets
With several girls I’m yet to meet:
What a decade, what a leap.

Mummy look at me now!
As I pour my guts on some
Fresh sow, I know you wait
With a robe and a ring,
Forever unanswered ’cause
There’s no coming back,
Not from this bottomless
RumSpring- AH! The lick of
That kaleidoscopic desert!
Exile me into flames
For I have made my bread
From the stones of the flesh
And I have no strength left.

A new haircut and I bound
Like a mutt from the milk
And honey, lapping at these
Foolish delights, sticky paw
And slanted smiles,
The emancipation of
My inner child – How Wild!
I HAVE FAILED YOU!
And I will never regain
My inheritance, I know this
Well, and I know you see
My soul in the depths of–

I claw at my neck and I gnash
At this tender flesh, but
Can I ever tear off anything
Substantial? Let’s dance ’til
We shake off our genitals and
Meld into one, that cruel
Advancing sun that shines
On the lines that I’d rather not look,
I took your hand and I feigned a smile
Over this silent crisis, the prices of
A manufactured triumph
“You’ve done it! You’re Free!”
Please stop congratulating me.

You don’t think I find myself
Each morning, forcing
Some new meaning, anything
To last the day as I feel the decay
Of a soul that I don’t believe exists (?)
But, of course I do! What I hold as true
In my head and my heart are two
Different FUCKING galaxies!
An alien to my childhood,
I tear out the chapters and
Burn them in the flames of
Your knowing sigh, just please
Stay awhile, I promise to construct
My narrative to be carried with an
Extra dose of assurance for
Your agnostic circle-jerk!

I apologize, I’m not angry,
I’m just sick of the disguise
That I drape over my evolution,
A styrofoam allocution –
A common progressive theme, to
Fit within a political stream.
I wheel myself out with
My vaudeville mercy-kill,
My youth boiled down into
A punchline that I’m not sure
That I understand, but it always
Gets a laugh I guess, but
Please know that when I laugh along, I’m sobbing
Inside and I.. can’t.. find myself,
My real self. The one I hid
At the back of the shelf,

And I miss you.